The Fugue

Well after feeling a bit miserable about what happened yesterday with my mom I came home from work and we all talked it out. Well, we talked over each other, we yelled at each other, unkind things were said, etc. But it seems as if things are okay for now.

Unfortunately, I think so much has happened over so long a period of time that it is nearly impossible for the relationship to fully repair itself and be a mother-daughter relationship. I really don’t appreciate when people refuse to take responsibility for their shit and it really makes me lose what respect I have for them. I don’t think my mom takes responsibility for what has happened. She accused me of not having any forgiveness; in a sense I guess that is true. I’m not a person who can forgive and forget with ease. I hardly ever forget things. Block things out? Sure. Besides, I didn’t feel forgiveness was being asked for by someone who was sorry.

My feeling is that to ask someone for forgiveness you must first realize you’ve done something wrong and want to be forgiven. This involves admitting a mistake made on your part and someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their shit cannot possibly ask for forgiveness because they won’t even admit they did something wrong.

But there was an apology, and a few tears, and despite my brain saying one thing, my heart strings did pull ever so slightly. After all it is better to at least try to get along with someone than to be at war with them. Do I think the problems will go away? No. Some behaviors are nearly impossible to change. And though I’m not one for giving chance after chance after chance, she is my mother and despite me feeling she hasn’t been very motherly to me, at least she’s been around for all 28 years of my life, in some capacity or another.

In totally unrelated news, I seem to be sick. I’ve had this disgusting cough sporadically for a couple weeks now and I randomly lose my voice. Actually, last night I seemed to lose my voice on every other word so that when I was talking to Jeff he thought we were having connection problems. But no, that was just me. I barely even have a voice right now, just a hoarse whisper that is not an attractive lady voice. I wish I would just be fully sick for a day or two and then completely healthy, as opposed to being semi-sick for weeks at a time.

I have today and most of tomorrow off and Jeff was supposed to come up and drop some stuff off. I think he won’t be here until tomorrow though. I wish he didn’t have to be all alone packing up his apartment. I know it’s breaking his heart to have to move back home with his parents. I know that all too well, actually. I just hate the thought of him being by himself. When he does come up tomorrow it will officially be the last time we see each other for a while. His parents live a good 2 hours away and gone are our weekend sleepovers where we get to cuddle and be a couple in love.

I’ve been trying to convince myself that being apart will be great in some ways because it means that the one or two times a month we will see each other will have to be special and will have to involve doing something special. This is all opposed to me coming down almost every weekend for two years and just staying inside and hanging out. But still… this is not an aspect of our relationship I wanted and I feel helpless knowing there’s nothing I can do about it.