Memories

After merging all of the old blogs together into this one and while going through each post to update the labels, I happened to come across a few entries that I had forgotten about and which made me laugh, and one or two that were quite dramatic and riddled with angst. I'm glad I have a place to vent and get things off my chest but later on when life seems happier and more stable - like it does right now - reading those older posts almost makes me feel ashamed, or something. For instance I read a post about Jeff's parents that really made me realize how far we've come. There was a point in time where I felt I wouldn't completely win Jeff's mom over. Strangely enough I understand now where she was coming from. She wants the best for her son and it takes more than just a few meetings and a couple of years to truly trust a person. Fortunately for me, I feel I have earned her trust, respect, and approval.

And more so, I enjoy spending time with her and Jeff's dad. We had gone over on Superbowl Sunday and while Jeff and his dad fixed stuff around the house his mom and I drank champagne and watched TV. She fixed a hem on a blouse for me. She looked through clothing catalogs to help me find new clothes. Not to mention she and her family welcomed my completely at Christmastime. Where wondering about the future once gave me uncertainty I now feel completely at ease and even look forward to having them as a part of my family.

I'm sure there will be moments in the future where heads will butt, but that seems quite normal. Truthfully speaking, I consider myself quite lucky to have not only an amazing partner in Jeff, but a great family to one day  merge with my already tremendously awesome family.

Hostess and Chef

Thanksgiving was a great success! My mom and Grandma came out from Lompoc and my Uncle came out from Valencia to have a wonderful Thanksgiving with an embarrassing abundance of food. I may have gone a bit overboard...

In addition to a few pounds of turkey from Honey Baked Ham (courtesy of my grandpa) we had mashed potatoes, cheese souflee, rolls, green bean casserole, stuffed mushrooms, crab and red pepper dip, a ricotta-honey-fig dip, pumpkin cheesecake... I think I'm forgetting a few things. It was a lot. In fact, we didn't even get to make everything we purchased with the intent to make because we basically ran out of space and serving dishes. Oh, and everything was homemade which everything so much better!

Here are some photos of Jeff and me preparing all the food.

I Am a Mucus Factory

Friday evening I was hit hard and fast with a rather nasty sinus infection. It was really the anti-perfect end to an anti-perfect week.

• On Monday my grandma fell at work and was rushed to the hopsital.


• On Tuedsay I drove the 150 miles out to Lompoc to help take care of my grandma.


• On Wednesday I got to spend the entire morning with my grandma, taking her to a doctor appointment and running errands around town. That night I drove back home to Bakersfield.


• On Thursday I had a lot of reading to catch up on as I got no work done in Lompoc.


• On Friday I still had a lot of work to do. Then I got sick.

Saturday morning was the community garage sale and Jeff and I were up from 4:30am until a very bad hour late Saturday evening. By not taking any medication I was able to get all my school work done. I'm not sure if anything that I wrote can be read and understood by another human being but I'm hoping it can. Sunday - yesterday - I finally took medication and floated along in a Benadryl haze for most of the day.

Today I am a mucus factory. I'm starting to get my appetite back a little but not much. I've been eating even though I haven't been hungry, simply because my body could have been starving and I would have had no idea, that's how sick I've been.

For some reason my workload with school is much lighter this week than it has been in weeks prior so I'm using it as an opportunity to stay proactive on my job search and get better. I haven't been outside since Saturday morning and my goal is to at least be able to walk downstairs and check the mail sometime this week. Probably when I go to pick up my iPad.

Oh yeah, I broke my iPad Monday night. Anti-perfect week and all!

Our First Party :)

Though Jeff and I have only lived in Bakersfield for two weeks it feels like so much longer. I miss my mom and grandma and was really looking forward to them coming out to visit. They had only seen the apartment in pictures and since we finally got the place cleaned up and put together it was an absolute perfect time to have them come out for a party. We also happened to be celebrating my grandma's 75th birthday!

We put together all of the fixings for tacos, sat around the dining table and talked and ate and enjoyed really yummy food! The highlight of our lunch was the homemade ranch dressing I made this morning. I've never made anything like it before and it turned out absolutely perfect!

It had just enough zing to it without being overpowering. Ranch is something I typically associate with just salads or dipping but this particular recipe has me imagining all the different things I can do with it!

Homemade Ranch Dressing

No preservatives. No high-fructose corn syrup. Creamy, tangy homemade ranch dressing in 5 minutes!

No preservatives. No high-fructose corn syrup. Creamy, tangy homemade ranch dressing in 5 minutes!

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup mayonnaise


• 3/4 cup sour cream


• 1 Tbsp olive oil


• 1 Tbsp lemon juice


• 1/4 to 1/2 cup buttermilk


• 1 small bunch of chives


• Small handful of parsley


• 1 clove garlic


• 1/2 tsp salt


• 1/4 tsp white pepper

Instructions

1. Place all ingredients with 1/4 cup of buttermilk in a blender


2. Blend for 10 seconds. Check consistency and blend in additional buttermilk if desired. Less buttermilk for dipping, more for dressing.


3. Store in an air-tight jar in the fridge.

Nutritional Information Calories: 102.3 | Fat: 10.7 | Fiber 0 WW Points: 3

Notes

Yields: 16 2-Tbsp servings

Adapted from The Gourmet Cookbook, 2004

Estimated time: 5 minutes

As you can see from the photo mine came out a bit greener than what is expected. Truth be told a "bunch of chives" and a "small handful of parsley" is fantastically vague. Pretty sure the reason mine came out so green was because I over estimated the amount of chives and parsley required. Regardless, it tastes wonderful and I look forward to making it again in the future!

Tomorrow I will have to tell you about the positively divine cream cheese bundt cake I made!

Another Week Gone By

I feel like this week has been fraught with strangeness. Moreover, it seems like the week went by pretty fast. On Monday I applied for a terrific job in Bakersfield. On Tuesday I was called by employer of said terrific job to come in for an interview (that will be next Thursday). On Wednesday I was supposed to have plans with my family but there were some communication errors that delayed the plans and left me a bit grumpy. On Thursday I was lazy and stayed in my pajamas for as long as possible (though I did not neglect to shower). That night at work I kept getting the creepy crawlies. Today I watched some tv, my Sims game became corrupted, and I spent a few hours trying to fix everything up. I went to work for a little while, Taco Bell for dinner, and here I am in bed a couple hours earlier than the last couple nights. Tomorrow I will wake up, go to work, do those rescheduled plans with my family and have some time off until the process starts over once again next week.
I cannot wait to have more structure in my life. No, seriously.

Sunday Farmer's Market

My mom and I had the same great idea this morning: Farmer's Market. It's a new addition to our little city and one that has been growing tremendously over the weeks. We picked up a tremendous assortment of goods, including two pies, sweet corn, asparagus, lemon cucumbers, blackberries, strawberries, fresh eggs, avocado, mozzarella, hummus, Mediterranean pesto pizza and much more. I didn't keep track of how much we spent but it was maybe close to $50 between the two of us. Oh and we also got some really delicious garlic flavored pistachios! I treated her to a cheap breakfast at Jack in the Box (surprisingly delicious breakfast burritos!) and we slowly made our way home.

I have to say it's been so nice getting along with my mom. We haven't fought in a while and everything has pretty much been smooth sailing. Curiously enough I've also been getting along well with my father. We haven't been corresponding as much the past few weeks due to his busy work schedule, but we have been getting along much better than we have in the past. I explained this to my mom and she asked me, "Does that mean you have forgiven him?" It was a difficult question to answer. I don't feel anger towards him like I have in the past and while I know he's hurt me I also know I have probably hurt him. If I have forgiven him my heart and mind did it quietly. I do know that it's a lot easier to refer to him as my "father" or my "dad" these days, so maybe I have forgiven him. And maybe he's forgiven me.

Anyway, back to the Farmer's Market. If they ever start selling locally made cheese I will go every weekend, lol!

It was supposed to be a good day

It was supposed to be a good day. Wake up, go to work, run errands, find out if I’ll be moving to Bakersfield with my boyfriend while he attends graduate school. He has had this conversation with his parents twice before, both times in different contexts and at different points in our relationship. Here we are, 3 years and nearly 3 months into a terrific relationship and we’ve hit an iceberg. Make that two icebergs.

Apparently I’m not good enough for their son. Apparently I’m a distraction. Three years and three months apparently means nothing to them because they could care less. They don’t think he should be distracted by a relationship while he is in school. Nevermind the fact they were married when they were both still in school. They don’t think it’s good enough for him to just get a Masters degree; he needs a PhD. Nevermind the fact that neither of them has a PhD and his mother only has a Bachelors, same as me. Nevermind the fact that we’re in love and want to get married. Never-fucking-mind.

I grew up where he grew up. I went to the same college. I come from a similar ethnic background. I have the same belief system as they do. My uncle lives two blocks away from them. I’m attending graduate school in the fall. I love and adore their son in ways they can’t. What am I doing wrong?

We talked about an alternate plan so we would feel better but the silence in my mind has me thinking other things now. Maybe I’m tired of fighting. Maybe I’m tired of always compromising. Maybe I’m tired of putting my life on hold. But what else can I do if this is the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with?

It’s so unfair. I’ve spent the last two years travelling back and forth from my home to his college apartment while he finished school. I’ve put up with further distance in the months since he has graduated and moved back home. I see him twice a month now – if I’m lucky. And now he will move to Bakersfield and I will never see him more than once or twice a trimester.

What more can I do? I can’t fight these people for the rest of my life and chances are if they don’t think I am good enough now they will never ever think I’m good enough later. It’s a losing battle.

June 6th

My grandpa's wife - I guess that'd make her my step-grandma - is not doing very well. She's been hospitalized with congestive heart failure and is having difficulties keeping certain essentials at normal levels in her body, such as potassium and other similar things. She was meant to leave the hospital about today but that isn't going to happen. I haven't talked with him directly but I understand my grandpa is in a state. Understandably. He completely forgot to go to one appointment yesterday. Maybe she is the one to always remind him to look at his calendar? I know that's how it is with Jeff and me.

I haven't been feeling well myself, though nothing compared to what my step-grandma is going through. Woke up with a headache, which started to turn into a migraine, and also had to contend with nausea and other stomach problems. Taking a shower was quite difficult and I kept trying not to throw up in the shower. I'm doing better now, especially after lying down in my air conditioned room. I called out sick from work. I think I maybe could have gone after all but who knows how that would have affected me. I'm still feeling rather icky but at least I got to take a shower. I had made a sandwich at one point and every time I took a bite I could feel my body wanting to throw it up. I was finally able to finish it after rested in bed, and I think that helped keep my strength up.

Last night I noticed my feet were swollen and they are again today. My grandma gave me a water pill to help. I hope it does.

Though none of this seems nearly as bad as what my step-grandma is going through. I can't get her out of my mind. She and I have never been particularly close but I know I would be quite upset if she passed like this. That would only be compounded by feeling a great loss for my grandfather, who has spent the better part of 30 years with her by his side. I can only imagine I would be nothing short of catatonic if Jeff passed on. I can't imagine what that would be like to lose someone after 30 years. I think I'd probably just contemplate killing myself. Unless we had kids.

Anyway, that intensity aside, I think I'll call my grandpa to let him know I'm thinking about him.

Things Always Turn Out Okay In the End

Just wanted to follow up to this post. I never did get to look at that budget and it turns out we can't just cancel the cable because it's packaged as the holy trinity with the phone and Internet. So basically that day my grandma came home and informed me she had found an extra $40 in her budget that could be used for groceries. I was immediately incredulous. You can't get groceries for three people for $40 and have it last a week. 

But, I went to the grocery store with her and was able to pick out a lot of stuff... bread, lunch meats, cheese, mac and cheese, individual pizzas, hot dogs, almond granola bars, coffee creamer and chocolate milk.... for just a few cents under $30. Granted it's not the best food in the world, health-wise, but it's protein and tastes delicious and when you have the mentality of wanting to eat out a lot it's kind of handy to have that quality of junk food at home. There's no going hungry this week. I get paid either this Friday or next Tuesday and I can pick up a few things to tide us over until the next shopping trip.

Another thing that happened was my grandma decided to put me in charge of the grocery shopping. This is actually good news because it means when the budget is a bit bigger I can squeeze in some things that are much healthier, like chicken breasts, salad, veggies and fruits. In the meantime the pizzas and hot dogs and sandwiches are enough to hold us over until things improve. And things will improve; they always do.  

The Hunger Games

I have generally avoided revealing intimate and extraordinarily private details of my life, but there is something weighing so heavily on my heart that I have to share it somewhere. Besides, no one is reading this anyway.

This morning as I was getting ready for work I was thinking about how I would come home and pour through the weekly ads and my coupons while doing laundry. When I asked my grandma if we would be able to do the grocery shopping today she said, much to me extraordinary disappointment, NO.

Oh.

Yeah. So in my household the bills always get paid but there is hardly ever food in the fridge. Sure we manage to eat and never truly go hungry, but the amount of money wasted on fast food is gross. According to my grandma there is a specific amount of money budgeted monthly for food but I just don't believe that. I am not seeing that amount of food in our house every month. Jeffrey used to eat like a king for half of that budget and he always bought meat. Apparently this budget includes the household toiletries. I'm still not seeing that in the house.

I told grandma that I think we should cancel the cable if it means less financial stress. We don't need television. We have literally hundreds of DVDs and with the amount of free television available on the Internet it is feasible to go without cable. Do I like having high definition channels, watching every movie channel and all the other channels we have? Of course. Would I rather not have to worry about eating canned peaches in order to have something in my stomach? You betcha.

This afternoon I am going to go over the budget with my grandma and see where we can cut things out. With my own personal finances I am going to reduce my cell phone plan from the unlimited web/data/minutes at $65 a month to the unlimited/300 minutes plan for $25 a month. We are going to have to buy Sunday papers to clip coupons and we are going to use coupons for everything we buy.

This morning I was close to tears when I heard there was no budget for food for the next week to two weeks. I kept wondering how I was going to make it. Suddenly thoughts of escaping home were filling my mind and I was wondering where I could go and who would take me in. But then I would be abandoning my family, wouldn't I? My grandma wouldn't do that to me and I won't do that to her.

My grandma has done everything she ever could for me and I long ago promised I would return the favor in kind. I'm not able to provide for her financially due to the limitations of my job but I try to help out in other ways. If killing some of the extra luxuries in our home for the sake of eating is what needs to happen, then so be it. It won't be forever. It will just force us to be extra creative to keep entertained.

...

I'm surprised by my own optimism. When did I get this way? Guess I'm doing an okay job of not letting the depression take a hold of my life again. This morning I had some coffee and grabbed some crackers, a Dr. Pepper and some popcorn to eat at work. One of the clients brought in donuts and I got to have one. I'm hungry and feeling a bit under nourished. But I think it will be okay. Fingers crossed.

Another Weekend Gone

Doesn't it suck when the weekend was so long it was boring and too short to have been fun? Friday morning I dropped my mom off at the Amtrak stop (she spent the weekend down in LA with friends) and a few hours later Jeff came up from Valencia. We actually had a pleasant weekend up until Sunday afternoon. We had gone grocery shopping with my grandma, saw Super 8 (which was amazing btw) and just hung around watching movies and episodes of House and How It's Made.

Sunday afternoon consisted of nearly 4 hours of traffic from Lompoc to Panorama City, dinner at the house of my mom's friend (who I don't like, and I felt excluded the whole time) and then drove back to Lompoc that evening. Except the traffic drove me nuts (I took half a Xanax even before we got into traffic) and I sat in the back seat with Jeff on the way home and tried to ignore my grandma speeding in my car like she was driving her Camaro. We got down there in just over a quarter of a tank and when I got in my car yesterday to go to work I was nearly on empty. I got completely screwed out of that deal. Sure, give me money to come pick you up but please be sure I have at least as much gas leftover as I started with. Giving me $10 out of the kindness of your heart isn't going to get me to work this week.

I try not to speed and I don't drive with the a/c on so my gas will go farther. I wish guest drivers were as considerate.

Anyway, Jeff is going back to Valencia this morning and my life will go back to being joyless, mundane and devoid of much laughter. It will be a good 3 to 4 weeks before I can see him again and I am not looking forward to that. Oh well. Things will be better next month.

Another Friday

There’s a job opening at Toyota/Scion in Santa Maria that is full time and I’ve applied for it. It’s for a service drive assistant which doesn’t sound terribly appealing, except that it’s full time and offers health benefits, including dental. That is almost as important as the pay per hour. I’m not fluent by any means in car culture but I have been learning here and there from Jeff. If it works out, great, and if not then I still have my current job and won’t have to worry that I can’t support myself.

It’s definitely been a struggle to stay in an emotional state that is not that of depression. I keep reminding myself that my bills are paid and that’s a great thing, but it is difficult to be happy about that when I see how little is in my bank account right now. Fortunately my grandma is getting paid today and that will alleviate a lot of struggle in the home. I can only hope that Jeff and I never have to live paycheck to paycheck as my family as for more than a decade. I think that’s Jeff’s wish, too, though he doesn’t have as much experience because his parents are rather comfortable in their financial situation and he has never had to really want for anything.

Speaking of Jeff, he is coming up here to Lompoc for the weekend and I couldn’t be happier about it! It’s been just shy of 2 weeks since I last saw him and I miss him greatly. My mom is going out of town for the weekend and my grandma will be out on the golf course most of Saturday and Sunday, so he and I will get to spend some alone time together which will be nice. I definitely want to get the XBOX 360 set up somewhere in the house so I can take advantage of that when I want.

I’ve been thinking about my blog and my website and how I want them both to evolve. I’m thinking I’d like to start doing product reviews. Not like the ones that all those pretty girls on YouTube do but text reviews. I don’t want to put myself on camera. This was inspired by some new products I’ve been trying lately that have been really wonderful and I’d love it if more people had the same experience.

Well I’m leaving in an hour to take my mom to the bus stop so she can leave for her trip. Got to put on makeup and fix my hair so I don’t look like I just came out of the shower.

Better Than I Thought

To be quite honest I thought Sunday was going to be a dull and uneventful day. It wasn’t!

My grandma and I drove across town to the 7-11 to get some Sunday papers and then we stopped by my favorite store, Fresh & Easy, to pick up some breakfast claws (so delicious!) Unfortunately the papers were missing some coupons (coupon thieves at 7/11 probably) so my mom and I stopped by the Village Market to get new copies. While we were there we stopped by the brand new Farmer’s Market; it was the inaugural weekend of the new program. There wasn’t a lot there but we did buy some hummus (which was delicious) and walk around to every booth. There wasn’t a lot there but there were a lot of people and since it’s going to be going on every Sunday it should only grow. I’m rather looking forward to it!

We also made trips to Walgreens, CVS and Wal Mart that morning. We ended up going back to CVS and Walgreens due to some really amazing coupons that allowed me to get some new shampoo and conditioner (a very lovely experience this morning, and they are organic) and some new lipstick. The rest of the afternoon was spent having a video chat with Jeff via Skype and couponing. Overall not a bad day at all!

I attempted to put some some curl in my hair today but it just was not having it. As soon as I put it up in a lovely little ponytail and sprayed hair spray on it it pretty much came undone. Instead of curly it was just vaguely wavy. And thin. I should have put the thickening product in it today but I was so engrossed in the lovely smell from my new shampoo and conditioner that I didn’t want to risk it with more product.

Work was pleasant enough. The couple who brought in their six kids last week came in again today but only brought one kid with them, and she was super quiet. I had some down time and was able to catch up on all the news from the WWDC. I even made a few quick phone calls to Jeff to excitedly tell him about some of the new features coming out in Lion and iOS5. I know, I know… I’m a nerd.

This week I’m going to try to convince my boss to let me make a website for him. He’s really stuck in the past and really is not a tech-savvy person, but I’m hoping I can convince him to give it a shot. We’ll see!

The First Day After

Last night was going to be goodbye for me and Jeff. At least for a few months. We haven’t broken up or anything but our relationship has shifted. For the past 3 years our relationship has always had our alma matter, CSU Channel Islands, somewhere in the center. We met in the dorms, lived together in the dorms, and for two years while he finished at school I visited him at his apartment (a wise and independent alternative to the dorms) and we had our time together.

It was difficult for me when I had to move back home with my family after I graduated. I was unprepared for the state of the economy and I’m still here, in the smallest bedroom of the apartment, with my mother and grandmother. I make it work. But now Jeff is also back home, feeling a tremendous loss of independence. Where before we were separated by 100 miles we are now separated by 130+, only without an apartment where we can be together and do couple-y things. If we want to see each other now it’s either someplace in the mutual middle (like Santa Barbara) or at his parent’s house or my parent’s apartment. We’ve lost a lot of privacy.

Last night he lost his $500 Calvin Klein glasses. The amazing glasses I picked out for him because they had an amazing retro look that made him look like a sexy and sophisticated scientist circa Apollo-era NASA. 

LOL. Okay, maybe not in this picture. But you get the idea.

We had just finished a long day of moving and cleaning and all he wanted to do was take me and my mom out for a nice dinner to thank us for our work. But when he couldn’t find his glasses things turned very bad. I’ll leave some details private out of respect for him but let’s just say I’ve never had a reason to dig through a community garbage before. After he calmed down a bit we decided to proceed on with dinner. Only when he got in his car he discovered one of his headlights was out. It was close to sun down and despite Jeff’s excellent driving, very few people could drive an hour towards darkness in prescription sunglasses with one headlight after already driving 100+ miles and being very tired. I offered to drive him home.

But first we said goodbye to the apartment. It was a great two years and every corner of each room had a special memory of just us. It took a very long time to get every piece of furniture in exactly the right place. It never looked quite like a home but it definitely looked better than a dorm room. Here is how we left it.

Apartment #303. It was always a pretty sight to walk up to the door. Behind you were tall palm trees and a very nicely landscaped pool and BBQ area.

A view from the front door. The wall on the right is the original paint color. The wall on the left painted in primer was a very bright blue color that we painted together. Later I painted on an Amur Leopard, Jeff’s favorite animal (and a very endangered cat).

View from the desk area. Living room to the left. Right in front of the window was where he kept his 55” television that was somewhat famous in the dorms. We enjoyed many movies and video games on that TV. And we will again.

From the doorway/living area you go straight back into a fairly large kitchen with a patio. The door on the right leads to a changing room, a bathroom and then the bedroom through the next door. I always liked to park in a certain spot on the street so that I could see my car from the kitchen/bedroom (because I’m a dork in that way).

View from the front door. Despite some cheaply done stuff inside the apartments (sheets of laminate for the bathroom floor, painted bathtubs) the grounds were landscaped very nicely.

Another view from the door. The pool was very nice to swim in. Six feet in the deep end and a hot tub to the right of it. I was very tan last summer because of this pool.

Jeffrey treated me and my mom to dinner with appetizers and a chocolate cheesecake with strawberries to take home. We drove the 60+ miles to Valencia where we stopped to fill up the tank (which I had filled up that morning at home). Jeff was positively amazed that it only required a little over 4 gallons. Jeff did some quick math and determined I had been getting 36 miles per gallon; 160+ miles on just over a quarter tank of gas. No air conditioning on the drive, just the windows cracked and the sunroof open. I drove as close to 70 as I could manage (despite the absolutely desperate driving of every asshole around me who simply had to get to where they were going assoonasfuckingpossible. Plus I have excellent tires which helps the gas mileage tremendously. I think he would have been proud had he not been slightly jealous.

So we dropped him off, used the restroom, chatted with his parents for a few minutes, took our half of the cheesecake and headed back for home, 130+ miles away. It was difficult. My mind was awake but my face was tired and I had to keep the car somewhat cool so I would stay alert (we cracked open the sunroof, warm air makes me sleepy). We made it home after 1am and we were both extremely tired. I think we were thankful that it wasn’t our stuff we were moving and therefore did not have to unpack the car when we got home. Not like in past years when we would move me home from the dorms for the summer and get home super late.

So now Jeffrey and I are a almost a month into our third year of dating and we begin a new chapter. Had he not lost his glasses and been one headlight short a car we would have had to have our goodbye in our mutual home of Camarillo. We’d had similar goodbyes in the past and it always led to tears (mine, not his). This time, instead of being sad to say goodbye to the apartment I promised him the next one would be ours and much better. Because we were at his parent’s house and they were watching and my mom and I had to head home we didn’t have a long goodbye. Just a hug and a kiss. It was more of a “see you later” than a “goodbye”.

Sadly I have no idea when I will see him next. He now has to unpack the life he’s lived for the past five years in university into the room he’s lived in his entire life. He’s still waiting to hear back from a few graduate programs and he’ll need to find a job for the summer or, if he doesn’t get into grad school, for the foreseeable future. I, on the other hand, continue living with my parents and working a part-time job as a receptionist, a job I am vastly over-qualified for. But it’s a job and I appreciate it.

Money is tight. I had to take a few days off this month which means my paycheck next week will not be what I want it to be. Between the car payment, student loans, my cell phone, website and paying back certain family members for fixing my car, I won’t have much left to buy things like personal toiletries and quarters for laundry. I won’t be able to do shopping at Fresh and Easy as I love to do. It’s a whole new world of experiences I’m heading into and it’s only the first day.

I want to cry and be upset. It would probably be easy to cry right now. But I’d rather stay positive and hopeful. We knew this day was coming and there’s a possibility it won’t last more than 3 or 4 months. In the grand scheme of things 3 or 4 months isn’t very long. Even if we’re apart for a year. Okay, a year would be a lot to ask of me. The point is that I know there will be a day when Jeff and I are together and it will be the two of us together every day for the rest of our lives. And if medicine allows us to live even longer and with better health then we’re talking decades of togetherness. What’s a few months of separation compared to a lifetime of being with your soul mate?

Okay, now I am crying. I miss him. But I know it will work.

The Fugue

Well after feeling a bit miserable about what happened yesterday with my mom I came home from work and we all talked it out. Well, we talked over each other, we yelled at each other, unkind things were said, etc. But it seems as if things are okay for now.

Unfortunately, I think so much has happened over so long a period of time that it is nearly impossible for the relationship to fully repair itself and be a mother-daughter relationship. I really don’t appreciate when people refuse to take responsibility for their shit and it really makes me lose what respect I have for them. I don’t think my mom takes responsibility for what has happened. She accused me of not having any forgiveness; in a sense I guess that is true. I’m not a person who can forgive and forget with ease. I hardly ever forget things. Block things out? Sure. Besides, I didn’t feel forgiveness was being asked for by someone who was sorry.

My feeling is that to ask someone for forgiveness you must first realize you’ve done something wrong and want to be forgiven. This involves admitting a mistake made on your part and someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their shit cannot possibly ask for forgiveness because they won’t even admit they did something wrong.

But there was an apology, and a few tears, and despite my brain saying one thing, my heart strings did pull ever so slightly. After all it is better to at least try to get along with someone than to be at war with them. Do I think the problems will go away? No. Some behaviors are nearly impossible to change. And though I’m not one for giving chance after chance after chance, she is my mother and despite me feeling she hasn’t been very motherly to me, at least she’s been around for all 28 years of my life, in some capacity or another.

In totally unrelated news, I seem to be sick. I’ve had this disgusting cough sporadically for a couple weeks now and I randomly lose my voice. Actually, last night I seemed to lose my voice on every other word so that when I was talking to Jeff he thought we were having connection problems. But no, that was just me. I barely even have a voice right now, just a hoarse whisper that is not an attractive lady voice. I wish I would just be fully sick for a day or two and then completely healthy, as opposed to being semi-sick for weeks at a time.

I have today and most of tomorrow off and Jeff was supposed to come up and drop some stuff off. I think he won’t be here until tomorrow though. I wish he didn’t have to be all alone packing up his apartment. I know it’s breaking his heart to have to move back home with his parents. I know that all too well, actually. I just hate the thought of him being by himself. When he does come up tomorrow it will officially be the last time we see each other for a while. His parents live a good 2 hours away and gone are our weekend sleepovers where we get to cuddle and be a couple in love.

I’ve been trying to convince myself that being apart will be great in some ways because it means that the one or two times a month we will see each other will have to be special and will have to involve doing something special. This is all opposed to me coming down almost every weekend for two years and just staying inside and hanging out. But still… this is not an aspect of our relationship I wanted and I feel helpless knowing there’s nothing I can do about it.

Things You Aren’t Supposed to Say

My mother annoys the crap out of me…

In my entire 28 years my mother has seldom ever been a motherly woman to me. Most of my life she’s treated me as a friend or, as she has lately, as a sister. I guess it doesn’t help that my grandma treats me as a daughter. I don’t know what this woman’s (my mother’s) problem is but I am sick and tired of her treating me like her effing sister. She is competitive, petty, seems to go out of her way to berate me, and really only shows any affection when it suits or and is only nice to me when she wants a ride somewhere.

Here’s a tip to those of you who don’t have drivers licenses because the state took it away after you crashed your car while knowingly driving with a very low blood sugar: don’t piss off the only person around to drive you anywhere. You will be walking from now on.

This past weekend I had to borrow a few hundred dollars from my grandmother to buy 3 new tires on my car. The three I needed to replace were virtually drivable and one in particular was almost completely bald. My grandma, being the kind and giving woman that she is, loaned me just over $300 on the spot and what does my mom do? Calls my grandma “foolish”, me “untrustworthy” and very loudly voiced her opinion that my grandma shouldn’t do anything.

I guess she would rather I die in a terrible car accident. Thanks, mom.

Actually, I’m not even going to call her mom anymore because she doesn’t deserve it. Nothing this woman has done has every qualified her to be a mother, apart from giving birth to me. I’m sick and tired of her treating me like the cast off sister she never wanted and it takes every ounce of patience I don’t already have to begin with to not stoop to her level.

I realize this is all an unpopular opinion, but read the title again. I know.

Mothers Day Weekend

Had a very pleasant weekend celebrating both my mom and my grandma. On Saturday we had a little picnic in our living room with hot dogs, beans, potato salad, and cake and watched hours of House. It was a lot of fun! On Sunday we drove down to Santa Barbara and met my uncle and his new girlfriend, Sabrina, for lunch at the Boathouse at Hendry's Beach. It was the first time we met Sabrina and I have to say she was rather wonderful. She is a fashion designer for companies such as Forever 21. They made a really nice couple and each wore those hipster hats that I wish I could pull off.
It was a beautiful day. A bit on the chilly side, especially with the breeze, and the water was really choppy. We ate outside which turned out to be a mistake; we all ended up with sand in our drinks and on the table and on my black cardigan. I ordered pulled pork sliders even though I do not like pork and was really surprised at how delicious it was! My John Daly (an Arnold Palmer with alcohol) on the other hand was quite awful. I don't like alcoholic drinks that taste like alcohol. Imagine that.
Now it is back to the usual work week. The weekend after next is Jeff's graduation and I am beyond excited for him! And nervous, too. But I know it will be great!

Brunch at the Beach

This morning I enjoyed a delicious brunch with my family at Boathouse on Hendry’s Beach in Santa Barbara. It doesn’t look like much from the outside (it actually looks like a shack) but inside it’s very current and somewhat hip. The breakfast menu was a bit limited as far as quantity of dishes goes, but there was a nice variety of food. I ordered the Boathouse Signature Breakfast:

Two poached eggs over Dungeness crab cakes on a bed of roasted potatoes. Topped with chipotle Hollandaise, pico de gallo, and avacado.

Coupled with a cup of coffee and it was terrific. It just so happens to sit on a portion of the beach that’s like it’s own private beach, somewhere off of Modoc, I believe. Using an app I just downloaded on my phone for the camera I took the following shots, all of which I absolutely love!

A Week Ago, Today…

It’s been quite a week. Well, last week was, anyway. I did attempt to email a post in from my BlackBerry and just yesterday (I think it was) found out that the email was undeliverable. Wow. Way to fail, Blackberry!
So my mom was pretty stick last week. She usually has a few issues after she eats, especially since she had her gallbladder removed a few short years ago, but this was no ordinary issue. I won’t go into the full details because I’m quite sure she wouldn’t want me to (and I also want to spare anyone from having to read it)  but suffice it to say she was pretty sick. On Monday night my grandma called and asked if I would come back home to take care and watch over mom. Jeffrey went with me and we left that night.
She had been to the emergency room at our local hospital – a place I wouldn’t go to even if I were five minutes away from dying – and, surprise!, they basically did nothing to help her except give her an antibiotic. No ultrasound of her intestines/colon, no scope to view the area. Just a blood test. And to top it off she had an allergic reaction to the medicine. So that was not at all pleasant.
While we were home, Jeffrey got sick and very, very irritable. Unfortunately, he lost his patience with me in front of my parents, and that was something I never wanted to experience. There’s really no way to explain it without sounding like an abuse victim in denial. I’m not an abuse victim and I’m not in denial, but when your boyfriend raises his voice to you in front of your parents, it just sounds bad when you have to explain it away.
Anyway, both mom and Jeff are feeling better now. We took my mom to see her doctor and they are testing for parasites. I haven’t heard anything back from them yet, but I’m hopeful she’s doing well.
This year just isn’t starting off well at all. For me personally I’m feeling cautiously optimistic, but for the rest of America it seems rather insane. Dead birds and fish, attempted assassinations of politicians, bombs and suspicious envelopes, etc… What is going on with the world?
Is it really any wonder I like to stay within the comforts of my own 4 walls?

Black Friday Eve

Another Thanksgiving has passed us by. This year the holiday was spent with my boyfriend's family - a small gathering of immediate family members that was 7 hours of delightful domesticity. There was turkey and gravy, mashed potatoes and rolls, cranberries, sweet potato gratin and green bean casserole (both made by me) and other yummy foods as well. It was a feast to celebrate a bounty of plenty. Or you know, whatever.

As we were driving back home along the 5 I couldn't help but notice a strange long line of people that wrapped around a building towards the back alleyway and stretched on for at least another large store. It was the line of people awaiting the midnight opening of Wal Mart for Black Friday. Since witnessing this line I have had two thoughts:

1. How unfortunate to be standing out in the cold (it was 44 degrees when we left at 10pm)
2. How depressing it is that I cannot participate in Black Friday, even though I've never really been able to before anyway.

This whole concept of Black Friday is really kind of twisted if you think about it long enough. We're still in dire economic times but we seem to be shopping more and more. The other day my mom mentioned to me that she observed more and more people shopping than ever. I immediately discounted her statement due to the fact that these are some of the worst economic times in recent history. But it turns out she's right. People wait in line for hours to go to Wal Mart. I know a guy who is standing in line (as I type this) for Target to open at 4am. I can recall waiting in line all night for Ticketmaster to open so I could buy tickets (paid for by my mom) to see the Backstreet Boys in concert (hey, it was 1999/2000). I've waited in lines for game releases (both times to hang out with a guy I had a crush on, whom I've been dating for nearly 3 years and spent Thanksgiving with this evening) and there are movies I would consider waiting in lines for to see. But not for shopping.

Maybe it's because I was never one to receive an enormous amount of gifts for Christmas, like my cousins did. My parents have never been particularly well off and I've yet to achieve the staggering professional success that can afford me the lifestyle to which I'd like to become accustomed. Maybe it's because I'm still feeling a little down at the constant reminder of just how unemployed I am. Maybe it's the reminder that I have $50 for the foreseeable future.

It's probably jealousy. And I really wish I could partake.