Friday, October 16, 2009

Three Months Later

Over the course of the past 3 months I have repeatedly chastised myself for seemingly giving up my blog and losing interest. In the last three months I have been largely away from home and trying desperately to find a job. I helped my boyfriend, Jeff, move in and set up his apartment and it seems I couldn't stay away from more than 2 weeks at a time. The computer I use is the MacBook that Jeff and I jointly own (purchased together a year ago) and since Jeff's academic schedule is back in full-swing, the MacBook has stayed with him and I have been using his old, crappy laptop until literally only last week. I set up my old desktop computer, fixed a problem with the wireless internet we put on it, and voila, I'm set up in my own bedroom in my own hometown. And yet, I haven't blogged.

It's been exactly (as of today) 5 months since I graduated college. I have since then had only 2 job interviews. Two. I couldn't even tell you how many jobs I have actually applied for. I'm equal parts annoyed and dismayed about the lack of communication employers have these days. Very few people acknowledge receipt of application or resume. I have, however, received a handful of emails saying, basically, "thanks, but no thanks." Last week I interviewed at a bridal boutique in Santa Barbara. I was told that everyone who applied was being interviewed and those who did well would then go on to meet the district manager. Except, I was only asked two questions during the interview (Why was I interested in Bridal and What one word would best describe me?) When, on Tuesday, I got an email saying "thanks, but no thanks," I got the sneaking suspicion that the whole thing could have been avoided had I just sent a picture attached with my resume. I really do believe that they were interviewing me more for my looks than if I was capable of doing the job. I assume they were looking for petite "pretty" girls, which I actually consider to be pretty darn AVERAGE. I'm not a "pretty girl." I have some unique features, thanks to a mixing of British and Eastern European looks. And I'm not a little waif thing who can shimmy into a single digit pair of jeans. In fact, I represent a style that is referred to as "plus." This bridal boutique proudly displays on their website that they also carry styles for "plus." Now, when I go to pick out my wedding dress, it won't be from the aforementioned AVERAGE, because how would someone like that know what this "plus" girl would look and feel best in? The whole thing left a sour taste in my throat and a big "WTF just happened?" constantly on the tip of my tongue. The best thing that came from it all was that I took my mother along with me, and we met Jeff and spent the afternoon in Santa Barbara. And yes, they went with me to my interview. Not something I would normally do but I was expecting to be taken back into an office for an interview, not to just sit down on the couch in the middle of the boutique and be asked which one word best describes me.

Few things about this entire situation upset me to no end. I was never prepared for this. When I was in school we were told what career options were available to us, but we were never taught what to do in this depressing economy. I was never said to go "here" and do "that" and voila, I'll have a job. No one prepared me for the fact that I would have to write to my Stafford Loan lenders and apply for an additional extension to my six month grace period... because I can't pay my cell phone bill, let alone my college loans. On top of all that, my grandma is the one paying for my existence and it's wearing thin on her. I know she can't help but nag on me to find a job, but sometimes she acts as if it's my fault and not the economy's. In fact, it took a long time and many bouts of frustration and depression to realize that it's not me, it is the economy. I was feeling like a complete and utter failure, and all the while failing to realize that it was, in fact, not my fault.

So, here I am. Five months after graduation, unemployed, bouncing back and forth between my parent's home and my boyfriend's home, desperately seeking an opportunity to move my life forward. I had nothing inspirational to write about. I couldn't even be inspired. Now, it's just day-by-day existence. Jeff and I are in a comfortable space in our relationship, my mother and I are mostly getting along for the first time in a very long time, and I'm doing what I can to find full time, permanent employment. I signed up with a staffing agency. I prettied up my resume. And every day I see the holidays inching closer and closer. Recently I have started getting the feeling that things would start changing for the better and that I would have the means to have a wonderful Christmas, where I could buy my family and friends presents for the first time in years. It's what I'm holding on to... Because I cannot start 2010 as a failure. I'm hoping for the best.

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