Monday, December 12, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
I'm really looking forward to Christmas in Bakersfield. We haven't put up decorations yet and since we're house sitting for my parents next week I doubt we will get any up until the following weekend. Still, I look forward to the first Christmas Jeff and I spend together.
Friday, November 25, 2011
In addition to a few pounds of turkey from Honey Baked Ham (courtesy of my grandpa) we had mashed potatoes, cheese souflee, rolls, green bean casserole, stuffed mushrooms, crab and red pepper dip, a ricotta-honey-fig dip, pumpkin cheesecake... I think I'm forgetting a few things. It was a lot. In fact, we didn't even get to make everything we purchased with the intent to make because we basically ran out of space and serving dishes. Oh, and everything was homemade which everything so much better!
Here are some photos of Jeff and me preparing all the food.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
We tried going to bed earlier last night and it just didn't work. We ended up getting up at midnight and watching 3 episodes of Family Guy before we were tired enough to go to bed. I don't know how I actually managed to get up at 6:20 because I don't recall the alarm clock going off, but here I am! It's 6:47 and I'm watching a video for school. Fingers crossed I feel the same sense of accomplishment at the end of the day as I felt so many weeks ago!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
- On Monday my grandma fell at work and was rushed to the hopsital.
- On Tuedsay I drove the 150 miles out to Lompoc to help take care of my grandma.
- On Wednesday I got to spend the entire morning with my grandma, taking her to a doctor appointment and running errands around town. That night I drove back home to Bakersfield.
- On Thursday I had a lot of reading to catch up on as I got no work done in Lompoc.
- On Friday I still had a lot of work to do. Then I got sick.
Saturday morning was the community garage sale and Jeff and I were up from 4:30am until a very bad hour late Saturday evening. By not taking any medication I was able to get all my school work done. I'm not sure if anything that I wrote can be read and understood by another human being but I'm hoping it can. Sunday - yesterday - I finally took medication and floated along in a Benadryl haze for most of the day.
Today I am a mucus factory. I'm starting to get my appetite back a little but not much. I've been eating even though I haven't been hungry, simply because my body could have been starving and I would have had no idea, that's how sick I've been.
For some reason my workload with school is much lighter this week than it has been in weeks prior so I'm using it as an opportunity to stay proactive on my job search and get better. I haven't been outside since Saturday morning and my goal is to at least be able to walk downstairs and check the mail sometime this week. Probably when I go to pick up my iPad.
Oh yeah, I broke my iPad Monday night. Anti-perfect week and all!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Why does an 85% bother me when it isn't that bad of a grade? Because I've always worked hard to get A's and despite that hard work I always managed to miss a straight-A semester by one class grade. I'm still in the pursuit of that elusive 4.0 term.
I was assured by my professor, Jeffrey and a calculator that this minor setback will be minuscule in the grand scheme of things. In fact, that 15% accounts for less than 1% of my final grade, assuming I continue to do well in the remaining weeks.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I had a few different expectations upon starting school again and so far the impact has been minimal. Except for an enormous amount of reading I have to accomplish this week nothing really feels all that different. Again, maybe it takes some time.
I haven't been feeling well today. I'm wearing socks, sweat pants and a hoodie with the air conditioner on. My logic? I'd rather be warm in cold air than warm in warm air. Jeff isn't really buying it though. At least I'm comfortable. He says I should take a nap or just go to bed all together but I hate the idea of not getting any work done and throwing off my sleep schedule.
Hmm, come to think of it, I should have realized that sleeping more than 9 hours last night was a clue that I'm not feeling my best. I should try to make it into bed earlier tonight. I'm sure the 36 page article I'm about to read will help out with that.
On another note, it really sucks when my ADD kicks in while I'm doing required reading.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
We put together all of the fixings for tacos, sat around the dining table and talked and ate and enjoyed really yummy food! The highlight of our lunch was the homemade ranch dressing I made this morning. I've never made anything like it before and it turned out absolutely perfect!
It had just enough zing to it without being overpowering. Ranch is something I typically associate with just salads or dipping but this particular recipe has me imagining all the different things I can do with it!
Homemade Ranch Dressing
No preservatives. No high-fructose corn syrup. Creamy, tangy homemade ranch dressing in 5 minutes!
No preservatives. No high-fructose corn syrup. Creamy, tangy homemade ranch dressing in 5 minutes!
- 3/4 cup mayonnaise
- 3/4 cup sour cream
- 1 Tbsp olive oil
- 1 Tbsp lemon juice
- 1/4 to 1/2 cup buttermilk
- 1 small bunch of chives
- Small handful of parsley
- 1 clove garlic
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/4 tsp white pepper
- Place all ingredients with 1/4 cup of buttermilk in a blender
- Blend for 10 seconds. Check consistency and blend in additional buttermilk if desired. Less buttermilk for dipping, more for dressing.
- Store in an air-tight jar in the fridge.
Nutritional Information Calories: 102.3 | Fat: 10.7 | Fiber 0 WW Points: 3
Yields: 16 2-Tbsp servings
Adapted from The Gourmet Cookbook, 2004
Estimated time: 5 minutes
As you can see from the photo mine came out a bit greener than what is expected. Truth be told a "bunch of chives" and a "small handful of parsley" is fantastically vague. Pretty sure the reason mine came out so green was because I over estimated the amount of chives and parsley required. Regardless, it tastes wonderful and I look forward to making it again in the future!
Tomorrow I will have to tell you about the positively divine cream cheese bundt cake I made!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Honestly, have you ever had a job interview where afterwards you felt the dread of having to actually go to that job? That's how I felt. I want something that is creatively challenging, that will keep me happily surprised every day and will make me feel proud. Creating a filing system just does not fit those criteria.
Something better will come along. :)
Monday, September 12, 2011
Our apartment is very close to completion, though I feel we have more stuff than square footage will allow. So far our big walk-in closet is being used to store all the unpacked boxes that we've yet to get to. We were hoping to have everything done by, well, yesterday, but that hasn't happened. It will happen. It's a bit daunting to unpack your old life and acclimate it to your new life in a new place.
Jeff officially starts his grad program today and I begin the first day of a two week orientation for my grad program. I'll probably start working on that while Jeff is away at school for a few hours. I'm really looking forward to having classes and papers and deadlines and the like. Really I'm just looking forward to having a schedule so that I'm not sitting around the apartment day dreaming about my new life. And one thing to help this scenario would be a job... and speaking of which...
I had a job interview this morning! It was all very last minute; in fact the rep from AppleOne called me 20 minutes before my alarm went off (serves me right for trying to sleep in until 9am) and I got ready in a jiffy to drive out to the interview site. It was for a small farming company here in Bakersfield, one that was founded around 2007. It's probably the first instance where my interviewer was younger than me but I suppose the older I get that is to be expected. I'm guessing he probably thought I was much younger than I am and I'm fine with that. Anyway, the job seems like it could be a great way to flex some organization muscle and really help a smaller company tidy up the administrative side of things. Perhaps in my own naivete I was expecting it to be an office somewhere in a field. (To be fair, this was not uncommon in Lompoc!) It was, in fact, in a very nice building in an industrial part of town in northern Bakersfield about 12 miles away. Things will work out the way they are meant to and if I'm the right girl for the job then I will do everything I can to do the best job possible.
In other news, Jeff's birthday passed by quietly and without much fanfare. I made him dinner (homemade pasta with chicken and salad) and cupcakes (vanilla bean) with homemade frosting (silky vanilla). We were meant to go to Valencia last weekend to have a part at his parent's house but his mom was sick. So, we've rescheduled to possible this Saturday, which means we are going to have a very busy weekend. Valencia with Jeff's parents on Saturday and my parents are coming out here on Sunday where we will be having a party for my grandma's birthday.
Until then there are still many things to do here. And who knows?! Maybe I'll be working soon!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Because of my knees and back I will most likely be organizing inside while they move the furniture. I put plenty of water in the fridge last night so that should be refreshing.
I can't wait for this day to be over.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
The plan is for Jeff to come up early Thursday morning and to pack all my stuff up in his dad's SUV and my car, and drive out to Bakersfield. Once there we will sign the lease and move my stuff into the apartment. We will also measure the apartment for furniture. We will leave my car in our parking spot and take the SUV back to his parent's house in Valencia. Friday morning we will begin to move his furniture and stuff to the apartment and Friday night should be the first night we spend in the apartment.
Also, and I just think this part is kind of funny, I've never seen the apartment before so I am literally moving with no idea of what the apartment looks like, if it feels like home, if I like it, etc. I guess I just have to trust that I will love it!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
First, we have been approved for the apartment. There is still some paperwork to be faxed and completed by Jeff's dad since he co-signed for us, but it is basically ours. They said we could even move in earlier if we wanted to, but September 1st is the earliest Jeff and I could do that. My last day at work is a week from today and we're moving the day after. So I think that time frame is already pretty strict.
Second, I GOT ACCEPTED INTO GRADUATE SCHOOL!!! I received an email from Fielding yesterday informing me I have been accepted. So today began a month long process for enrolling and student orientations and faxing and mailing paperwork and on and on and on.
How is it possible that I'm only two days into this and I'm completely exhausted?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
As far as the whole Bakersfield situation is concerned, Jeff found another apartment that is a lot less expensive and he put a deposit down on Thursday. We should be hearing about it Monday. I haven't started packing up my room yet and I feel I won't be able to until I know for sure I have a home to move into. I did start cleaning last night and that was when it hit me that it is going to take a lot more time and effort to pack than I originally anticipated.
Jeff is coming up today and he has offered to help with the packing and whatnot. I'm just happy that I will get to spend time with him.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Edited @ 10pm
Yes. Today was a great day. I gave notice to my boss and it wasn't nearly what I thought it would be. He didn't even react all that much. Strange.
I called Fielding to check up on my admission status and they informed me that my admission portfolio has been sent to the program director for review. So that means I should be hearing back from someone either by the end of this week or maybe next week. It was a great thing I called because they alerted me to the fact that I had no completed some of the financial aid steps, such as the entrance counseling and signing a master promissory note. So I got those done (on the iPad, no less) and tomorrow I just have to fax in a signed document and I'm done.
On the apartment front, they did call to say that they were attempting to verify that I had indeed lived in Anacapa Village at CSUCI but they weren't getting a lot of cooperation from the school (shocker) so I managed to take care of that, I think. I imagine we'll be hearing a final word from them tomorrow.
And then on the job front, I heard back from the lady I interviewed with last week and things are looking good. I feel like a full time job is right around the corner. In the meantime, I'm helping out a friend who is the owner of a surrogacy practice in Los Angeles, Santa Barbara and San Francisco. I get to dive into some social media projects and help out a great organization at the same time.
My grandma says that things are falling into place for me and I can't help but think that it is somehow true. And then there is that tiny, nagging voice that is telling me to not get too happy too quickly. Maybe that voice will go away once the apartment comes through. I still feel like the apartment is the key to everything.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Shortly after an interview that put an embarrassingly big smile on my face Jeff and I went looking for an apartment. We went to pre-selected complexes and were having no luck. One complex gave us a map of other complexes we didn't even know existed and one of them was Rio Paseo. Rio Paseo looks like the apartments we toured and fell in love with in Oxnard (Serenade at River Park). They also happened to be the only complex with any openings. As we exited I noticed a car with a CSUCI alumni license plate holder and took it as a great sign.
That was Thursday. Friday evening we decided to go for it. Saturday morning they had two 1-bedrooms left so Jeff and his parents drove out to Bakersfield. By the time they got there only one was left. Apartment 8E. They put a deposit down. Sunday morning I drove out there with my mom and grandma and put in my application. Today, Monday, I received a postcard from Rio Paseo in the mail.
Thank you for visiting our beautiful community. We'd love to welcome you "Home" here at Rio Paseo =) Please call us with any questions! It was so nice to meet you.
There is still a part of me that is holding back despite all of the excitement that is building up around us. I've been asking myself if it's a feeling that things will not turn out the way we planned them (yet again) or if I'm simply apprehensive because I've never done anything like this before. Which is the most logical answer? I think the correct answer is that I'm scared. Scared in the way any normal person would be if they were making enormous changes to their life. I don't question anything about my life with Jeffrey because I am completely and totally in love with him. But I've been talking for so long about moving forward with our lives together and now something is really happening. If I weren't scared I would lack perspective, right?
Tomorrow I've told myself I will give my formal two weeks notice but there is a part of me that is apprehensive. Maybe I should wait until we know for sure we have the apartment? What happens if we don't get in for whatever reason? What if I have to cancel moving and rescind my notice. Is that really what I'm afraid of? Would that be embarrassing? Would it be worth getting embarrassed about?
My mom has been making delcarative statements that scare me. When you move out this or when you move out that. I tell her nothing is certain and to please not jinx it. And yet I'm the one interpreting signs that I believe the universe is giving me. All I know is that things are going to change one way or the other and there is no way to bypass that. Everything will change. To not be flummoxed would be silly, right?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I stopped by Subway for takeout on the way home and was happily surprised when a little girl who was holding the door open for her companions also insisted she hold it open for me. Even my mother was impressed when I told her what happened. It's the kind of thing I was raised to do and sometimes fail to.
My sandwhich was terrific (footlong meatball marinara on Italian herb and cheese bread with mayo and olives). I'm also trying to keep hydrated (Deja Blue water is a personal favorite) and I find that the more water I drink the more thirsty I become. Strange, isn't it? Fatigue overtook me and what was meant to be a 1 and a half hour nap turned into nearly 3 hours. My grandma always says that if your body needs to sleep and keeps you asleep, it's a good thing. And yet I'm the one who is afraid it will mess up my sleep schedule. (That's why I don't allow myself to sleep in much, even on Sundays).
The rest of the week is going to be very different for me. Tomorrow before work I will pack, then after work I will make the lovely drive down to Valencia. If I time it correctly I could be driving along the 101 in Santa Barbara and northern Ventura as the sun is dipping into the ocean. I can already imagine opening the sun roof and listening to awesome music. Maybe I should make a playlist?
Thursday is Bakersfield. My interview is at 10 (still deciding what to wear) and then we're looking at apartments the rest of the day. This will be my first trip to Bakersfield and I'm curious to see what the city is all about. Friday I'll come back home and resume my weekly schedule. Although, it feels as if the rest of my life hinges upon this Thursday.
I try not to let the anxiety get to me and so far I think I'm doing an okay job. The anxiety isn't manifesting physically or emotionally just yet. Maybe that means I'm handling it better than I have in the past?
Anyway, I'm really excited by this job opportunity and I want to make the best impression possible. I have AMAZING letters of recommendation to bring with me and honestly, if I was hiring someone and I read these letters, I would hire them. Not to sound arrogant, because I am quite humbled by the things my long-time companions have said about me, but it does give me a boost of confidence to know I'm going into this job interview armed with as much as possible.
In the meantime it is still Tuesday, still rather early, and I'm just trying to relax and stay hydrated. And I'm trying to push the apprehension away and out of my mind.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Our first computer with a Windows operating system (the kind that didn't require DOS) was a Compaq Presario, given to us by my grandpa. Another Compaq followed after that. Around the age of 18 I went half-and-half on a Compaq desktop with my family. Soon after that I got my first laptop, also a Compaq, for a whopping $1,000. The last desktop I ever bought is still with me today (it has all of the Sims 2 games on it) and I will use it from time to time, but I haven't lately. After I graduated from community college I was gifted an Acer laptop to take with me to CSU Channel Islands. A year later I jointly purchased a MacBook with Jeff. I gave the Acer to my grandma. I used the MacBook for as long as I could before Jeff took it over full time to use in his last two years in school. February of last year was when my mom bought me the laptop I use now, a shiny red Dell. All of these computers aided me in learning everything I could about the Internet. Years before I learned Photoshop I had Jasc Paint Shop Pro versions 5 & 7. I learned how to code in HTML, DHTML, and later CSS. In the summer of 1998 I asked my mom if I could make a web page. She only had one question; is it free? Was it! I first ventured into Tripod (my screen name was sweetsugar98. Then Geocities sometime later. That very first site had a maroon background with a picture of the Backstreet Boys dressed in yellow, or vise versa. Many summer nights were spent searching for everything related to the Backstreet Boys.
This was all before Google, MySpace, Facebook and Twitter.
It is difficult to imagine what our lives would be like if we never had the Internet. Though I imagine no one really guessed it would change our lives so drastically when the Internet first made an appearance 20 years ago. What will happen in the next 20?
Friday, August 5, 2011
I cannot wait to have more structure in my life. No, seriously.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
It's amazing how much more satisfying home cooked food with fresh ingredients is than fast food junk. I wish we could eat like this all the time! And I'm glad it all turned out well because I was just mixing things together that I thought would work!
I made two pies worth of quiche so there is plenty for breakfast or lunch tomorrow!
My mom and I had the same great idea this morning: Farmer's Market. It's a new addition to our little city and one that has been growing tremendously over the weeks. We picked up a tremendous assortment of goods, including two pies, sweet corn, asparagus, lemon cucumbers, blackberries, strawberries, fresh eggs, avocado, mozzarella, hummus, Mediterranean pesto pizza and much more. I didn't keep track of how much we spent but it was maybe close to $50 between the two of us. Oh and we also got some really delicious garlic flavored pistachios! I treated her to a cheap breakfast at Jack in the Box (surprisingly delicious breakfast burritos!) and we slowly made our way home.
I have to say it's been so nice getting along with my mom. We haven't fought in a while and everything has pretty much been smooth sailing. Curiously enough I've also been getting along well with my father. We haven't been corresponding as much the past few weeks due to his busy work schedule, but we have been getting along much better than we have in the past. I explained this to my mom and she asked me, "Does that mean you have forgiven him?" It was a difficult question to answer. I don't feel anger towards him like I have in the past and while I know he's hurt me I also know I have probably hurt him. If I have forgiven him my heart and mind did it quietly. I do know that it's a lot easier to refer to him as my "father" or my "dad" these days, so maybe I have forgiven him. And maybe he's forgiven me.
Anyway, back to the Farmer's Market. If they ever start selling locally made cheese I will go every weekend, lol!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
It was supposed to be a good day. Wake up, go to work, run errands, find out if I’ll be moving to Bakersfield with my boyfriend while he attends graduate school. He has had this conversation with his parents twice before, both times in different contexts and at different points in our relationship. Here we are, 3 years and nearly 3 months into a terrific relationship and we’ve hit an iceberg. Make that two icebergs.
Apparently I’m not good enough for their son. Apparently I’m a distraction. Three years and three months apparently means nothing to them because they could care less. They don’t think he should be distracted by a relationship while he is in school. Nevermind the fact they were married when they were both still in school. They don’t think it’s good enough for him to just get a Masters degree; he needs a PhD. Nevermind the fact that neither of them has a PhD and his mother only has a Bachelors, same as me. Nevermind the fact that we’re in love and want to get married. Never-fucking-mind.
I grew up where he grew up. I went to the same college. I come from a similar ethnic background. I have the same belief system as they do. My uncle lives two blocks away from them. I’m attending graduate school in the fall. I love and adore their son in ways they can’t. What am I doing wrong?
We talked about an alternate plan so we would feel better but the silence in my mind has me thinking other things now. Maybe I’m tired of fighting. Maybe I’m tired of always compromising. Maybe I’m tired of putting my life on hold. But what else can I do if this is the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with?
It’s so unfair. I’ve spent the last two years travelling back and forth from my home to his college apartment while he finished school. I’ve put up with further distance in the months since he has graduated and moved back home. I see him twice a month now – if I’m lucky. And now he will move to Bakersfield and I will never see him more than once or twice a trimester.
What more can I do? I can’t fight these people for the rest of my life and chances are if they don’t think I am good enough now they will never ever think I’m good enough later. It’s a losing battle.
Apparently I'm not good enough for their son. Apparently I'm a distraction. Three years and three months apparently means nothing to them because they could care less. They don't think he should be distracted by a relationship while he is in school. Nevermind the fact they were married when they were both still in school. They don't think it's good enough for him to just get a Masters degree; he needs a PhD. Nevermind the fact that neither of them has a PhD and his mother only has a Bachelors, same as me. Nevermind the fact that we're in love and want to get married. Never-fucking-mind.
I grew up where he grew up. I went to the same college. I come from a similar ethnic background. I have the same belief system as they do. My uncle lives two blocks away from them. I'm attending graduate school in the fall. I love and adore their son in ways they can't. What am I doing wrong?
We talked about an alternate plan so we would feel better but the silence in my mind has me thinking other things now. Maybe I'm tired of fighting. Maybe I'm tired of always compromising. Maybe I'm tired of putting my life on hold. But what else can I do if this is the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with?
It's so unfair. I've spent the last two years travelling back and forth from my home to his college apartment while he finished school. I've put up with further distance in the months since he has graduated and moved back home. I see him twice a month now - if I'm lucky. And now he will move to Bakersfield and I will never see him more than once or twice a trimester.
What more can I do? I can't fight these people for the rest of my life and chances are if they don't think I am good enough now they will never ever think I'm good enough later. It's a losing battle.
Friday, July 29, 2011
I asked Linda, a co-worker and friend to write it. She is doing her doctorate work at Fielding and for the past almost 6 months I've had the chance to get to know her. We became fast friends. Anyway, she sent me a rough draft of the recommendation and holy balls, I didn't know I was that wonderful! She described me in a way that I never would have though of myself. I guess that's a good thing though.
That should be going out hopefully by this weekend (which is tomorrow!) and within a few weeks I should know for sure if I've been accepted. I think I will be. In the letter of recommendation Linda said I possess a certain "spark" that is in line with the environment of Fielding. My GPA more than qualifies me and while I thought at first that my statement of purpose was too informal, I was relieved to hear that the statement is meant to reflect your personality and goals. And apparently it is absolutely fine to say that you don't know what you want to do but feel the answers will reveal themselves to you in time. I think I've always felt that way.
While I am waiting on my own graduate school acceptance, Jeff is dealing with the post-acceptance fervor of it all. He is attending CSU Bakersfield and this past Tuesday drove out there to get a feel for the place. His parents have returned from their 3 week vacation to Europe and I suspect those difficult conversations will be had starting today. Interestingly, when he took his grandmother out for dinner the other night she asked him, point blank, if he planned on marrying me. Without hesitation he declared "yes" and she responded "good." And then remarked on his lack of hesitation. Needless to say I was delighted to hear this exchange.
I think there are a lot of changes in store. Whether I continue working part time and attending school here in Lompoc or moving to Bakersfield to work full time and do school part time, my future is changing. I look forward to having things to do again, to having deadlines and papers scheduled into my calendar. I have missed the student way of life and I can't wait to go back into it, head first.
Monday, July 25, 2011
I went to work at 8:45 and got off at noon. Then my day began. I made the 2 hour trip to Valencia and was happily welcomed into a wonderfully air conditioned home with amazing food prepared by my
I'm not sure what he is looking at but I know it has something to do with my car. He really spent a long time outside working on my car. I could tell that he was really treating it with the same interest and respect he would treat his own car with. He had the front jacked up and the right front wheel taken off and was gaining access by laying down under it. It looked like he could have been decapitated so easily. I know he knows what he is doing and I trust him completely, but it was still rather frightening to see him in that position.
This is Mortimer, Jeff's 18 year old cat. He is the skinniest thing you have ever seen in your life. It isn't that he doesn't eat; he eats constantly throughout the day. In fact, if my Snuggles ate as much as Morty he would be rather obese. Morty has a thyroid problem that keeps him looking skeletal. Most of the time I'm afraid to pet him because the feel of his spine and ribs alarms me. He just has the sweetest disposition.
At one point a neighbor came by to chat with us. I politely excused myself under the guise of doing laundry and went in and watched Jennifer's Body while I waited for Jeff to finish. The movie finished first and I wasn't able to get a jeff inside until a little after midnight. His neighbor talks so much. He is a sweet kid and apparently has HFA - High Functioning Autism. He seemed to be incredibly intelligent but I can only take so much chatter in a day.
Anyway. I am so relieved to have my car back in excellent condition. It has taken a long time and a lot of money (some of which I am still paying back) but I can finally feel comfortable behind the wheel knowing that nothing is stripped or cracked and may kill me. Thanks, Jeffy!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
I've already imported everything over there; it is only a matter of formally switching. That should be happening this weekend.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Good start to my week!
Friday, July 15, 2011
This morning I receive a letter stating my request cannot be processed because there is a financial hold on my account. I know what it is and it pisses me off.
I call the appropriate office and they confirm that it is housing who put the hold on my account. To make a long story short, Anacapa Housing at my school (aka: the dorms I lived in for two years) has been trying to charge me $55 since the day I moved out, claiming that I didn't vacuum the carpet in my room or clean the bathroom. Except I did. My mother, grandmother, and Jeff were there with me helping me clean. I remember it distinctly because this happened literally five minutes after turning the tassel on my hat to indicate I was graduated.
I have been disputing this charge for TWO AND A HALF YEARS. I have disputed it with them. When they threatened to send my to collection my mother took over and disputed it. Written statements by both my mom and grandma were sent to backup my dispute and to verify the room was clean. Nothing happened after that. But the charge is still there.
So now, someone - probably an intern or student worker - is "researching" into it to find out what can be done.
Allow me to explain something about housing.... they are the creation of the devil. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my school and I enjoyed living in the dorms at times (especially because it's how I met Jeff) but the housing office itself is an atrocious institution that is hell-bent on making the lives of its residents positively miserable. And now they're f-ing with my graduate education. Not ok.
I hope to God this gets fixed and everything is resolved. Two and a half years is too long to dispute a $55 charge (which I refuse to pay).
Thursday, July 14, 2011
It left me feeling disgusting and my opinion of her has decreased even more considerably than it has from previous incidences. Ugh. What a nutjob.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I haven't been feeling well myself, though nothing compared to what my step-grandma is going through. Woke up with a headache, which started to turn into a migraine, and also had to contend with nausea and other stomach problems. Taking a shower was quite difficult and I kept trying not to throw up in the shower. I'm doing better now, especially after lying down in my air conditioned room. I called out sick from work. I think I maybe could have gone after all but who knows how that would have affected me. I'm still feeling rather icky but at least I got to take a shower. I had made a sandwich at one point and every time I took a bite I could feel my body wanting to throw it up. I was finally able to finish it after rested in bed, and I think that helped keep my strength up.
Last night I noticed my feet were swollen and they are again today. My grandma gave me a water pill to help. I hope it does.
Though none of this seems nearly as bad as what my step-grandma is going through. I can't get her out of my mind. She and I have never been particularly close but I know I would be quite upset if she passed like this. That would only be compounded by feeling a great loss for my grandfather, who has spent the better part of 30 years with her by his side. I can only imagine I would be nothing short of catatonic if Jeff passed on. I can't imagine what that would be like to lose someone after 30 years. I think I'd probably just contemplate killing myself. Unless we had kids.
Anyway, that intensity aside, I think I'll call my grandpa to let him know I'm thinking about him.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
I wish I discovered awesome things in the middle of the day rather than at the end. That way I wouldn't be up well past my intended sleep time playing around on my iPad. Lol. Maybe this way I have more creative dreams?
In any event, goodnight. Pleasant and creative dreams!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I have generally avoided revealing intimate and extraordinarily private details of my life, but there is something weighing so heavily on my heart that I have to share it somewhere.
Besides, no one is reading this anyway.
This morning as I was getting ready for work I was thinking about how I would come home and pour through the weekly ads and my coupons while doing laundry. When I asked my grandma if we would be able to do the grocery shopping today she said, much to me extraordinary disappointment, NO.
Yeah. So in my household the bills always get paid but there is hardly ever food in the fridge. Sure we manage to eat and never truly go hungry, but the amount of money wasted on fast food is gross. According to my grandma there is a specific amount of money budgeted monthly for food but I just don't believe that. I am not seeing that amount of food in our house every month. Jeffrey used to eat like a king for half of that budget and he always bought meat. Apparently this budget includes the household toiletries. I'm still not seeing that in the house.
I told grandma that I think we should cancel the cable if it means less financial stress. We don't need television. We have literally hundreds of DVDs and with the amount of free television available on the Internet it is feasible to go without cable. Do I like having high definition channels, watching every movie channel and all the other channels we have? Of course. Would I rather not have to worry about eating canned peaches in order to have something in my stomach? You betcha.
This afternoon I am going to go over the budget with my grandma and see where we can cut things out. With my own personal finances I am going to reduce my cell phone plan from the unlimited web/data/minutes at $65 a month to the unlimited/300 minutes plan for $25 a month. We are going to have to buy Sunday papers to clip coupons and we are going to use coupons for everything we buy.
This morning I was close to tears when I heard there was no budget for food for the next week to two weeks. I kept wondering how I was going to make it. Suddenly thoughts of escaping home were filling my mind and I was wondering where I could go and who would take me in. But then I would be abandoning my family, wouldn't I? My grandma wouldn't do that to me and I won't do that to her.
My grandma has done everything she ever could for me and I long ago promised I would return the favor in kind. I'm not able to provide for her financially due to the limitations of my job but I try to help out in other ways. If killing some of the extra luxuries in our home for the sake of eating is what needs to happen, then so be it. It won't be forever. It will just force us to be extra creative to keep entertained.
I'm surprised by my own optimism. When did I get this way? Guess I'm doing an okay job of not letting the depression take a hold of my life again. This morning I had some coffee and grabbed some crackers, a Dr. Pepper and some popcorn to eat at work. One of the clients brought in donuts and I got to have one. I'm hungry and feeling a bit under nourished. But I think it will be okay. Fingers crossed.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I went into this day thinking it was going to feel like the longest day of the year, but it didn’t feel that bad while at work. Well since work I’ve been at home and it does feel like the day is stretching out rather lazily. Not that I’m complaining. But I am rather tired and it’s not even 8pm yet and therefore too early to go to bed.
Today was the third day in a row I went to the pool with my mom. Monday and Tuesday we went for just about 30 minutes but today we probably spent more than an hour. I’m really sore but I feel good about it. I love that swimming is also exercising without the unpleasantness of sweating or not having fun. I’ve got a good base tan started and I’m hoping it will develop further throughout the rest of the summer.
I was pretty tan as a child, as you can see in this picture. For many years I attended the YMCA in Valencia after school and during the summers. We would occasionally have a day called “Y on Wheels” and I remember one day getting ready to go skating with my roller blades (remember those? I was terrible at them!) and a counselor asked me if I was wearing nylons. I had no idea the significance of that question at the time but I know all too well now that I was asked because they didn’t believe I was naturally that color. I guess I technically wasn’t. I was a beautiful golden brown as a child, thanks to countless days swimming, going to the beach twice a week a few summers with the YMCA, and generally being a child. I think at one point I may have looked as if I were of some sort of Latin descent. Nearly Eastern European, thanks to my Polish grandfather, so I’m a bit more olive-y white than European-white.
I was also a plump child, lol. Still am in a lot of ways, though I’m okay with it and love myself to pieces (and so on and so forth). I do love swimming and the fact that I’m getting a great exercise just makes it all the better. I try to alternate between exercising my arms and legs; I’d love to have leaner arms.
And of course the tan doesn’t hurt!
I’m looking forward to summer this year. Is it because I have my own personal air conditioner in my room? Partly. Something about this summer, with the swimming and the tanning, has made me want to have brightly colored alcoholic drinks to make me bubbly. It’s also making me want to make a killer summer playlist on iTunes.
I welcome summer with open arms (and chlorinated water in my ears).
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I will just go about my business as if it is any other Sunday. Because it is. And the only thing special about today, June 19, is that it is Jeff's parent's 35th anniversary. Jeff is making bacon wrapped filet mignon and other things. His sister, Kelly, is supposedly coming over and they are going to have a lovely family day.
I and a lovely family day yesterday. So today I am going to do laundry, play some video games and maybe watch a movie. Happy Sunday.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The subject of my biological father has not always been great. The man thought to be him was confirmed when I was 14 years old via paternity test with the state of California. I remember seeing the results back then, something like 99.987% possibility. Maybe the only way to have really known would have been to have seen the deed done in June 1982 and watch my mom every day until she gave birth. But anyways. I wish I had known as much about DNA and biology as I do now; it may have helped.
Things were fine at first and my parents were speaking and making plans. In December of 9th grade (this would have been around 1997 I think) I was supposed to formally meet him for the very first time. That never happened. I got scared and called the whole thing off. I remember the feeling because I have had it twice since then about 2 different circumstances. The second time was when A long distance boyfriend was meant to come visit me and I got scared. I wanted to tell him not to come see me but I didn't. I seldom ever speak of him and that time because it causes me a lot of embarrassment. The third and last time I felt that particular scared feeling was the morning I drove to Jeff's house in late June of 2008. We had been dating for nearly two months and were taking a trip to Vegas. That feeling, however, melted away into comfort and I have never again experienced that uncomfortable scary feeling. I digress.
My teenage years were very painful and I spent most of it very depressed. I remember making lame attempts at suicide a few times. I call them lame now because I realize it was just a way for me to get attention. Of course I realize the absolute severity of taking your own life. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that. The point is that I was very unhappy. The following Spring my biological father was in a severe car accident and I thought he would die. I made several attempts to check on him and after a day or so I was being told nasty things by people who didn't know me and my mom and I were being blamed for the accident.
Today I consider myself lucky to know that I will probably never be in a position where I am seeking child support. The experience was extremely unpleasant. And though that money has slowly trickled in over the years I have only ever benefitted from it once or twice. In fact, for years I never even knew it was still coming every month. It caused a huge rift when I could have used it in college and certain family members said it was meant for my mother. Hmmm, wonder why it is called child support then? No matter. I put myself through college and will spend the next 9 years and 4 months paying it all back.
There are many things. Am not including in the story and this is usually the point where I get mad. I can feel those feelings of hurt and resentment trying to rise in me now. But that is in the past and my mom and I are making an honest effort to have a better relationship. Dwelling on all of that negative crap will do me no good.
Throughout the last 13 years or so I have come into contact with my biological father a couple times. All efforts have turned into dramatic messes. Thinking back on it I realize I was not ready at any of those times to know him. I think there was a lot of growing up that needed to happen (mostly on my side, some on his) before we could communicate effectively. I think a lot of that growing up was accomplished because of going to school, obtaining a college education, and being with Jeff. I give myself a lot of credit for trying to improve and be a better person, but a lot of it is because of Jeff. He brought a lit and a happiness into my life. So much so that I am a much more delightful person now than I have ever been. Long gone is the depressed teenager.
In recent months communication with my biological father has resumed and it has been a much more positive experience than it was any other time. This time I don't have random people from their shared past emailing me to tell me what a slut they believe my mother to have been at that time (she wasn't, and you aren't a decent human for saying those things to me). In fact, I have been very careful not to mention certain things to him. Rarely do I mention my mother, or our past conversations, or anything about paternity tests. He has since stopped referring to me as his "alleged" daughter. I still call him my "biological father". The word dad still seems foreign to me. Plus it denotes a much closer relationship than I have with mine.
Lately the communication has slowed. It used to be multiple emails a day and not there are whole days where I don't hear anything. In fact, he never replied to my last email, sent a few days ago. It disappoints me but I know that he is busy with a new job and with that has brought some excitement into his life and he probably doesn't have time to communicate with me as much. Things were going well and I was feeling encouraged to share more. That feeling has closed a bit but I know it could easily be reopened.
I won't be celebrating Fathers Day tomorrow. It is difficult to do something you have purposely not done in 20 years.
Perhaps by the time i am ready to celebrate it will be with my kids and Jeffrey. Or maybe sooner. I don't know. I guess tomorrow I will just think about the fact that I at least have a father.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Case in point: last week at our monthly staff meeting I was talking about something unimportant and I meant to say, “I don’t want to be a schmuck.” Well, schmuck is not what came out of my mouth. In fact, I actually said, quite by accident, “I don’t want to be a douchebag.”
There was a lot of laughing and blushing. Apparently the thought of me uttering an occasional bad word is seen as shocking. Okay, that word is a bit more colorful than “bad”. I didn’t intend to use that word; it just came out.
Then today at work while on the phone with a co-worker, I was expressing my frustration with the copy/fax machine when I let out a few expletives. She seemed to think it was funny and I was tired of having to excuse myself for my French. So, I decided to just fuck it all and went on a full cursing tirade against the damn machine. Co-worker laughed more than I thought was possible for her and then said she should get off the phone before her ear burns off.
Honestly, what is it about me that people find it so shocking when I cuss?
(This would be the moment when Jeffrey would make a joke about Orbitz gum in that wonderful fake British accent. Dirty mouth? Clean it up!)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I was expecting it to take most of my money...but it didn't. I actually left with $17 in cash and a full tank! Since all the bills are paid and my car is full and the fridge at home is stocked, I get to have $17 all to myself! I love happy surprises!
Sunday afternoon consisted of nearly 4 hours of traffic from Lompoc to Panorama City, dinner at the house of my mom's friend (who I don't like, and I felt excluded the whole time) and then drove back to Lompoc that evening. Except the traffic drove me nuts (I took half a Xanax even before we got into traffic) and I sat in the back seat with Jeff on the way home and tried to ignore my grandma speeding in my car like she was driving her Camaro. We got down there in just over a quarter of a tank and when I got in my car yesterday to go to work I was nearly on empty. I got completely screwed out of that deal. Sure, give me money to come pick you up but please be sure I have at least as much gas leftover as I started with. Giving me $10 out of the kindness of your heart isn't going to get me to work this week.
I try not to speed and I don't drive with the a/c on so my gas will go farther. I wish guest drivers were as considerate.
Anyway, Jeff is going back to Valencia this morning and my life will go back to being joyless, mundane and devoid of much laughter. It will be a good 3 to 4 weeks before I can see him again and I am not looking forward to that. Oh well. Things will be better next month.
Friday, June 10, 2011
There’s a job opening at Toyota/Scion in Santa Maria that is full time and I’ve applied for it. It’s for a service drive assistant which doesn’t sound terribly appealing, except that it’s full time and offers health benefits, including dental. That is almost as important as the pay per hour. I’m not fluent by any means in car culture but I have been learning here and there from Jeff. If it works out, great, and if not then I still have my current job and won’t have to worry that I can’t support myself.
It’s definitely been a struggle to stay in an emotional state that is not that of depression. I keep reminding myself that my bills are paid and that’s a great thing, but it is difficult to be happy about that when I see how little is in my bank account right now. Fortunately my grandma is getting paid today and that will alleviate a lot of struggle in the home. I can only hope that Jeff and I never have to live paycheck to paycheck as my family as for more than a decade. I think that’s Jeff’s wish, too, though he doesn’t have as much experience because his parents are rather comfortable in their financial situation and he has never had to really want for anything.
Speaking of Jeff, he is coming up here to Lompoc for the weekend and I couldn’t be happier about it! It’s been just shy of 2 weeks since I last saw him and I miss him greatly. My mom is going out of town for the weekend and my grandma will be out on the golf course most of Saturday and Sunday, so he and I will get to spend some alone time together which will be nice. I definitely want to get the XBOX 360 set up somewhere in the house so I can take advantage of that when I want.
I’ve been thinking about my blog and my website and how I want them both to evolve. I’m thinking I’d like to start doing product reviews. Not like the ones that all those pretty girls on YouTube do but text reviews. I don’t want to put myself on camera. This was inspired by some new products I’ve been trying lately that have been really wonderful and I’d love it if more people had the same experience.
Well I’m leaving in an hour to take my mom to the bus stop so she can leave for her trip. Got to put on makeup and fix my hair so I don’t look like I just came out of the shower.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
And I am sure the venti white mocha with caramel drizzle from Starbucks has nothing to do with it!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
In other news, I have apparently activated a mobile version of What's Up Crystal? that can be viewed on any phone with internet access. It's basically a truncated version of the site but it's probably better than loading the whole thing on a tiny screen. I'll be trying it out later today to see how it really looks.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
(I feel dirty for having used such an unladylike expression. Apologies.)
Update: Since writing this morning my throat has gotten a bit worse, my eyes are droopy and my nose is starting to run, something it never does. My throat is starting to feel a bit like it did a couple years ago when I had mono. I am praying to the universe right now that I don't have mono. Please please please no!
Maybe I can go home early?
I other news my face is looking rather good since I started using witch hazel on Sunday night. The redness in my cheeks (believed to be rosacea) has diminished somewhat. Could I be on my way to flawless skin? A girl can hope!
Monday, June 6, 2011
To be quite honest I thought Sunday was going to be a dull and uneventful day. It wasn’t!
My grandma and I drove across town to the 7-11 to get some Sunday papers and then we stopped by my favorite store, Fresh & Easy, to pick up some breakfast claws (so delicious!) Unfortunately the papers were missing some coupons (coupon thieves at 7/11 probably) so my mom and I stopped by the Village Market to get new copies. While we were there we stopped by the brand new Farmer’s Market; it was the inaugural weekend of the new program. There wasn’t a lot there but we did buy some hummus (which was delicious) and walk around to every booth. There wasn’t a lot there but there were a lot of people and since it’s going to be going on every Sunday it should only grow. I’m rather looking forward to it!
We also made trips to Walgreens, CVS and Wal Mart that morning. We ended up going back to CVS and Walgreens due to some really amazing coupons that allowed me to get some new shampoo and conditioner (a very lovely experience this morning, and they are organic) and some new lipstick. The rest of the afternoon was spent having a video chat with Jeff via Skype and couponing. Overall not a bad day at all!
I attempted to put some some curl in my hair today but it just was not having it. As soon as I put it up in a lovely little ponytail and sprayed hair spray on it it pretty much came undone. Instead of curly it was just vaguely wavy. And thin. I should have put the thickening product in it today but I was so engrossed in the lovely smell from my new shampoo and conditioner that I didn’t want to risk it with more product.
Work was pleasant enough. The couple who brought in their six kids last week came in again today but only brought one kid with them, and she was super quiet. I had some down time and was able to catch up on all the news from the WWDC. I even made a few quick phone calls to Jeff to excitedly tell him about some of the new features coming out in Lion and iOS5. I know, I know… I’m a nerd.
This week I’m going to try to convince my boss to let me make a website for him. He’s really stuck in the past and really is not a tech-savvy person, but I’m hoping I can convince him to give it a shot. We’ll see!