Edit: Maybe depression is nothing more than the realization that you so desperately want your life to mean so much more than it currently does. For me that meaning is in being creative and being with Jeff. I don't have either right now. Most people judge the value of their life as a comparison to those around them. That's why the recommended friends section of Facebook is a dangerous thing to look at. But in all seriousness, there has to be someone out there comparing their life to mine and deciding mine is better, right? Because I feel that is all I do sometimes, compare myself to others, always feeling like I am coming up short.
That feeling of struggling to maintain emotional homeostasis is a crushing one. I think I view my depression as hanging over the side of a cliff by my fingers. I know I could let go and just diminish into deep and dark mindset, but then there’s the maybe-logical side of wanting to hold on in case I can pick myself up.
Shortly after that thought, I came to the conclusion that there is no opportunity out there for me that is interesting. Therefore, I should create my own. Looking for the perfect job is like looking for the perfect boyfriend… Is it? I didn’t find Jeffrey. He just happened to be there. Maybe that’s what opportunity is? Discovering something that has been there all along that you never quite looked at right before?
How can I create my own opportunity? What am I good at? Lots of things, actually, but none so well that I can do it for a job. Wouldn’t I already be doing that if I were? If the perfect job for me does not exist then isn’t it up to me to create it? What is it though?
Thinking about it seems to stave off the depression, so I think I’ll continue to ponder what opportunities I can make for myself next.