How I’m Spending the Last Hours of 2010

Having a marathon of How I Met Your Mother with Jeffrey. Thinking about dipping some Triscuits in some hummus. Can’t really think of anything better than that.

Tomorrow, on the other hand, is a different story. We’re going to start off the new year/decade by “revitalizing” (read: cleaning) Jeffrey’s apartment. Rather looking forward to it, actually!

I’m also mulling over ideas in my head on how to keep going with both http://www.crystalcierlak.com and this blog to keep things fresh and updated. I’m really hoping to keep creative this new year and expand myself out. Whatever that means lol.

Happy new year!

Picture source

The 15-year old Me still exists!

I won’t even lie… I totally fell in love with the Backstreet Boys in 1997/1998 and this still makes me remember the golden years of pop music. Not to mention I was convinced Nick Carter would be my husband (Sorry, Jeffy!)

Thinking About 2011

I accidentally typed “2001” in that title. It’s so odd to me that we are approaching the year 2011 in mere days. So much has happened in the past 10 years and just the idea of attending my 10 year high school reunion (OMG) is making me wig out. I would prefer to look back on the last 10 years and have my mind absolutely flooded with memories of the things I did, places I went, goals I accomplished, etc… but they don’t come as easily as I would hope.

When you think back on all that you have accomplished it shouldn’t be akin to searching through a bare refrigerator looking for something to eat. But I fear that’s how it is. Oh sure, I graduated from college twice; first with 2 Associate degrees from a community college and then with a BA from CSU Channel Islands. But what else? I managed to find the greatest living person ever born and not only fall in love with him, but experience the absolute joy of him falling in love with me, but I wouldn’t really count that as a personal success.

At one point I calculated that I had accomplished every goal I ever set out to complete. But what good is that when you can’t remember it? Did that mean the goals were not worthy? Should I set my sights higher?

I admit it’s been quite difficult to make goals and commit to things since I was wrongfully fired from my job. It stripped me of a lot of myself (something I know will make me stronger in the future, however). Then I thought about new year resolutions. I never really made them before or never made the effort to stick with them beyond the first of the year. So, in light of these recent revelations, I’ve decided to make – and hopefully stick to – a list of resolutions. They are as follows:

1. Take more photos; even include myself in a few of them (that will be difficult, I admit)
2. Try not to immediately judge people
3. Be friendlier (I guess this goes hand-in-hand with #2)
4. Have more friends
5. Keep in touch with the friends I currently have

I certainly hope that by the time the next decade passes and I am looking down the path at 2021, I will have a fuller mind of memories and goals that have been accomplished. I imagine there could be few things more unpleasant than going an entire decade without growing or accomplishing anything.

Going to bed angry

I woke up this morning with the leftover feeling of anger. Had I gone to bed mad last night? I couldn't remember. It certainly felt like I did. I asked Jeff and mumbled that yes, I did go to bed mad. Then it came back to me.



I had fallen asleep last night and was in the more shallow depths of REM sleep when - for whatever reason - Jeff got up and started playing music. Waking up from REM is not my favorite thing to do at all as it often makes me terribly grumpy. Last night was no exception. The memory of yelling at Jeff to turn it off and him denying my request (apparently he thought it was funny). I yelled a few more times before I inevitably drifted off into sleep, angry and irritated with the man I love who sometimes annoys the crap out of me.



Leftover anger aside, I got up and made us a delicious breakfast and went about my day. I guess it is ok sometimes to go to bed angry; once in a while when you wake up you can barely recall why you were upset to begin with.

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Black Friday Eve

Another Thanksgiving has passed us by. This year the holiday was spent with my boyfriend's family - a small gathering of immediate family members that was 7 hours of delightful domesticity. There was turkey and gravy, mashed potatoes and rolls, cranberries, sweet potato gratin and green bean casserole (both made by me) and other yummy foods as well. It was a feast to celebrate a bounty of plenty. Or you know, whatever.

As we were driving back home along the 5 I couldn't help but notice a strange long line of people that wrapped around a building towards the back alleyway and stretched on for at least another large store. It was the line of people awaiting the midnight opening of Wal Mart for Black Friday. Since witnessing this line I have had two thoughts:

1. How unfortunate to be standing out in the cold (it was 44 degrees when we left at 10pm)
2. How depressing it is that I cannot participate in Black Friday, even though I've never really been able to before anyway.

This whole concept of Black Friday is really kind of twisted if you think about it long enough. We're still in dire economic times but we seem to be shopping more and more. The other day my mom mentioned to me that she observed more and more people shopping than ever. I immediately discounted her statement due to the fact that these are some of the worst economic times in recent history. But it turns out she's right. People wait in line for hours to go to Wal Mart. I know a guy who is standing in line (as I type this) for Target to open at 4am. I can recall waiting in line all night for Ticketmaster to open so I could buy tickets (paid for by my mom) to see the Backstreet Boys in concert (hey, it was 1999/2000). I've waited in lines for game releases (both times to hang out with a guy I had a crush on, whom I've been dating for nearly 3 years and spent Thanksgiving with this evening) and there are movies I would consider waiting in lines for to see. But not for shopping.

Maybe it's because I was never one to receive an enormous amount of gifts for Christmas, like my cousins did. My parents have never been particularly well off and I've yet to achieve the staggering professional success that can afford me the lifestyle to which I'd like to become accustomed. Maybe it's because I'm still feeling a little down at the constant reminder of just how unemployed I am. Maybe it's the reminder that I have $50 for the foreseeable future.

It's probably jealousy. And I really wish I could partake.

Auditing

I've long had a philosophy about life that may seem rather cynical. I believe that the universe audits happiness. If you're going along through life and things are going rather well, the universe will find you and audit what you have in your life that makes you happy; what makes you happy will then be stripped from you. I've often experienced these highs and lows in life, as I know every other person on the planet has experienced as well. That being said, my concern isn't for them. (Sorry.)

I've had my happiness audited quite a bit in my life. Just as things are going well - smooth sailing and whatnot - they are then unkindly and sometimes even unjustly taken away from me. For example: I had a truly wonderful time in college, a time that lasted 2 years. I had great friends, I found the greatest man on the planet and fell in love with him (and he with me), and I had an education that was robust and worthy. Upon graduation, however, I was left with far fewer friends and found myself searching for employment for 11 months. I had to extend the student loan payments, my family was left to pay my other bills, and I fought depression quite often. Then all of that changed! I found a job I liked, I could afford to pay my bills and once again my life was back on track, happiness was daily and I genuinely looked forward to having one of the best Christmas holidays in recent memory. That's now gone, too.

I was fired for my job, I had to defer my student loan repayment another six months, and my family is, once again, paying my bills. And while it apparently wasn't enough to create malicious lies in order to fire me, my former employers are now contesting my bid for unemployment. And after I found out that I don't have a case to sue them for discrimination and unlawful termination, I was informed that my unemployment request was denied. The malicious party at my former employer has succeeded in taking way every ounce of not only my livelihood, but my pride.

I want to be devastated. I am devastated! But I want to feel it. I want to be able to feel how truly upset I am so that I can know it's real, so I can have a physical reminder of what has happened to me. But I simply don't feel that way. Okay, the longer I dwell on what happened the angrier I become. None of what happened is fair and there's nothing I hate more than being told there is nothing I can do about it. There's a piece of my heart that feels cold and dead and heavy; and yet so much around it feels uplifting and rather rational. I'm actually not sure if I'm coping or if I'm in denial; they feel pretty much the same.

The point of auditing, however, is that once the universe is done with you, has kicked you down to the lowest form of yourself and made you want to just fall asleep and die, things inevitably get better. One thing people have continually said to me is that things will work out. "Things will be fine in the future, Crystal." Well, that's nice, but I can't look to the future because the pain of what is happening is happening right now. As a logical person I understand that there will come a time when my life will be infinitely better. I'm not so cynical that I can't accept that there's a really happy future ahead of me. But it's the right now that I want to be better. I want to be employed. I want to have a paycheck that is on par with my education. I want to be respected. (And I want the person responsible for firing me to receive all the incredible justice that her incompetent self deserves). I want to feel better now, not later. I'm just not sure how that's going to happen.

I've never appreciated the concept of living life day-to-day as I've always been a planner. I've always had a 5- or 10-year plan and now I hardly have a 5- or 10-hour plan. The only thing I'm looking forward to is spending Thanksgiving with family and from now until then I have no idea what my life will consist of. I do not like that feeling. It does not feel safe. I don't know what to do.

Perspective

A lot has happened since my last blog, and not all of it good. The phone appointment with the EDD was like getting punched in the stomach thanks to my former employer, who is contesting my bid for unemployment. Facts were brought to life, revelations were made, and I found myself broken.

Its taken some time but I feel as if I'm in a much better position now. I've come to understand how difficult it is to not slip into a lull of depression, and how much you need love and support - without the platitudes - to keep from going under.

I find myself at the start of a fight, one that I hope I come out of victorious. But I'm not sure. I feel confident that the truth favors me, but when people work so ardently to take away your life it is difficult to believe that you have a shot of winning.

At this moment I can say I haven't slipped entirely into depression, but there were definitely moments when I thought I would. One day at a time, as they say.
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Borrowing Money for Unemployment

In the Sunday LA Times I read an article about how the California EDD (the lovely folks who pay out Unemployment Insurance) is borrowing money from the federal government to pay out Unemployment recipients. But this isn't like just any borrowing, this is billions and billions of dollars. In fact, the number $40 million per day was mentioned. When I read this I was quite shocked because I recently applied for unemployment and all of a sudden it seemed possible that I might be turned down and might not receive this much needed income.

It just so happens that my interview for EDD is this afternoon. I am mostly confident that I will, in fact, be receiving their gracious help, but I can't help but think about how utterly in debt they are and wonder if I even have a chance in hell.

I guess I will find out soon enough.

In unrelated news, I can always tell that its time to trim my fingernails when typing on my BlackBerry becomes cumbersome. Just a random thought.
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The First Is Always the Worst

I am referring to blog posts, of course. I've started maybe a dozen of these blogs and I always find myself in the same position when writing the very first blog post. Should I be witty or restrained? Should I include a brief history of everything that has ever happened in my life and hope that serves as an introduction to anything? What do I do? It's very difficult. Like the first 30 minutes of any decent movie, I feel that the first blog post should accurately reflect what the rest of your blog is going to be about. So if I were blogging about finding teacups and saucers (an actual potential-hobby of mine) then I suppose I should start by explaining how I came into that hobby. (As it were, this is not an official hobby of mine as of yet; I happen to be limited in finances right now, which is a polite way of saying I'm currently unemployed). However, due to the fact that this blog is, in fact, about me, then I suppose a biography would be rather useful.

But whey reveal everything now? As of this moment I have no readers and my website (crystalcierlak.com) is still very much "under construction." It's been that way for nearly 9 months now. I'm a horrible procrastinator. Plus, I purchased the website when I was previously unemployed and when I was lucky enough to find employment I sort of neglected the whole project all together. Now that I find myself terribly unemployed again I decided it was time to make use of this (seeing as how my mother paid for it and all) and get my pent-up creative juices flowing! Or, so to speak.

So, without further procrastination (yeah, right!) I hereby dub this entry my very first blog entry. So far I've informed my sea of readers that I am unemployed, am a terrible procrastinator, and have some semblance of a creative mind. I also have a website which I have hardly done any work on and I tend to be long-winded. Everything else that is needed to know about me will obviously be revealed in due course. In the meantime, I have no idea what this blog will be about. However, since my name is on it, I suppose I should just stick to and with what I know.

Until next time!