Saturday, March 26, 2011

Saying Goodbye

I hate am not fond of saying goodbye. Especially when it comes to someone so dearly. Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic.

Nothing tragic has happened. In fact, things are quite well. Jeff came up to stay with me for a few days and it was lovely as usual. It’s just the part where we have to hug and kiss and leave each other that it becomes quite sad. In an ideal setting the only time we would have to bid farewell would be in the morning before one of us leaves for work. Or before running an errand. Not when it will be 3 days before you see them again. Or 3 weeks. I think three weeks is the longest we’ve been separated. Possibly two, but my memory says three.

I’ve done a lot of thinking lately and Jeff has been my soundboard, whether or not he wanted the job. He’s blessed with a calculated ability to remain logical and he knows when to shut up and just listen. I’ve had to borrow his ears more than usual lately, unfortunately. I’ve been going through something of an epiphany lately. In fact, a lot has happened to me, emotionally. He’s been there with me to listen to all of it, to put his hand on mine when I cry, to hug me when I needed it. And each time we have to separate it just gets harder.

Well, sometimes it is easy. Sometimes, when I’m not emotional and more often when it’s me who is doing the leaving and not him, I can remain calm and rational. I know there will be a time coming soon where we will have to be apart for long stretches of time. Sooner rather than later. I try to remind myself that after that period – however long it may be – there will be a moment when our two lives will merge into one coupled life and goodbyes will be in the morning and occasionally thereafter. Not for weeks at a time. I hate the idea that things get worse before they get better. In a perfect world things would be just average and then get better. But we all know how that turns out…

I’ve only just said goodbye to him and I can still smell his scent in the hallway. I can still see him in my mind. Still hear his ridiculous laugh in my ears. Life just seems so devoid of color when he isn’t around.

I know it is only three days away, which is a very short time compared to other long distance relationships, but I just can’t wait to say hello to him again.

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